It's Time I Talked about it.

[Tom Banjo]

I have a few things I need to get off my chest.  I don't really care if most of you take the time to read this post or not.  There are a few around here who I really hope read it, you know who you are.  I've had many rough experiences through my journey of life or as the heads put, "the long strange trip."  I am truly blessed in this current moment and many of my negative life experiences are nobodies fault but my own.  Mamma tried harder than you can imagine to keep me on the right path.  Dad was more successful than most at providing for kids.  He still provides today almost 15 years after his passing.  I found him dead in the shower.  I've lost my mom too, brain cancer.  I lost the only father figure I truly had after my dad's passing.  He commited suicide on birthday. I've lost one the only people I truly consider family beyond that clice lot shit of Dead family.  I was closer with Ron than I ever was with any of my actual siblings.  I've been to jail and prison. I've been liar and cheater and had to deal with all the emotions of knowing that deep down inside I knew I wasn't a good person, at least not in those moments.  I know that all of us have to experience loss and personal shortcomings along our journey, a journey that hopefully leads us to Terrapin.  We all have our trials and tribulations our moments of great pain, loss, and personal shortcomings.  We all have to overcome the sorrows of being human.  On the other hand, there exist a yin and yang to life.  It's not all dark and its not all light.  We get a choice to choose which side of that yin and yang to live in, which side we let control our happiness or sadness.  I am financially comfortable.  I have a beautiful women in my life that plans to make me her husband on April 25th in New Orleans, the place we fell in love.  We have 3 beautiful children, a beautiful house and truly blessed life.  We see lots of shows still, but life is different as dad.  The person seen on the road is not a real reflection of the way I am at home.  However, the demons seen on the road don't just go away at home.  I struggle with my demons, vices, and addictions.  My occasionally crippling depression.  However, just like at shows most of the time the light shines through me.  I'm a great father, an attentive caring lover and present in the lives of my loved ones.  At shows, I let the light shine through me through dance and movement, as well as an attentive ear that listens and will give insight and guidance, grounded in the wisdom I've garnered through this life and the people I've met.  I do not judge when I offer guidance and I certainly don't seek to master.  I simply say my piece and show love.  I've learned so much through life experience, both positive and negative, and also through the words of wisdom of my parents and elders in this community, Chuck, Stout, Pres, Bixby, Brian, and countless others.  Please don't take it personal if your name wasn't listed.  I could name 100s of people in this scene and community that in some way shared their wisdom with me and deeply impacted my life.  I must get to the point though.  This post is mostly about two events that occurred in the past year and some of the things that led up to them. I am unapologetically apologizing for what transpired.  I am totally aware of the why these events deserve apologies but also take great lessons from these experiences.   I feel they were important on my journey to terrapin.  

 

The first meltdown occurred at Jubilee.  I was deeply in a dance with my demons when I arrived in Ohio.  I had hardly slept the night before I departed Colorado and through whatever means necessary completed a straight drive from Colorado to Ohio.  I think the drive took close to 24 hours, although GPS says it can be completed in under 20 hours.  They never account for stops along the way.  I had a copilot with me but he was on that same train and I couldn't handle the anxiety of letting someone else steer the wagon.  I was driving that train.  With little to no sleep in over 48 hours, I arrived at the hotel but to my annoyance and confusion my reservation had been cancelled.  I've actually never been refunded nor remembering that I cancelled anything.  I do know that both charges still came out of my checking account.  After talking with Priceline and on the verge of melting down and losing my senses on the hotel desk clerk, I chose to just rebook my stay with them.  I needed a room.  The plan was to crash upon arrival.  The festival didn't start until the next day and I was to pick Whitey and two of our kids up at the Columbus airport in the morning.  I was exhausted but had time to properly recover.  My demons had other plans.  I was in good spirits but didn't follow through with the plan.  I was still awake when it was past time to pick them up and had to head to the airport.  Whitney knew I wasn't in good shape immediately.  First of all, she knows if I followed the plan there is absolutely no way I would be late.  Furthermore, It was written all over my swollen face.  Not to mention my general lack of filter becomes full blown obnoxious lack of filter when I don't get enough sleep.  I say outrageously offensive and obnoxious shit with a humorous delivery.  Most of the time it just leaves those around us laughing but sometimes Whitney has to send me to bed like a child because I go to far and won't turn the filter back on.  We all have a filter.  All of us have offensive but funny thoughts that we choose not to speak into the world.  I laid down before heading. to the festival but I didn't sleep.  I was in rough shape but convinced the drop, more of the train, and the music would get me through the show.  In hindsight I shouldn't have even came.  A rational me would have chose sleep over night one of Jubilee.  I took like 4 drops of some new stuff.  

 

Our stuff was different.  Our guy had left town to try and live his best life.  I think he's in a much better place now.  Love you buddy, but I still needed that bicycle day fun.  I went through a different person.  I couldn't tell you after Ohio that the drugs were bad but would eventually make the realization.  It was unfair in my mind to say the stuff with some other psychedelic test chemical.  Most of the time when your L is bad it's just bunk or weak.  It doesn't really do anything.  This stuff separated you from reality in a way that only massive doses of L can do.  I'm talking like 25 hits when you haven't tripped in months.  I've done that before too but also knew what I was getting myself into.  However, given I hadn't slept in over 72 hours how I could I blame the L.  I would be tripping and having breaks from reality without any psychedelic at all.  Sleep depravation is one of the strongest mind altering experiences I know.  

 

As DSO started playing, I tried to get my groove going.  I was there to dance and I've danced through these moments before even quite well.  I immediately realized my balance was way off.  When Delilah wanted me to pick her up and spin her, I was terrified I might drop her or trip over a rock.  The jubilee dance floor isn't the greatest and you must deal with the rocks.  I tried to keep my mind focused on dancing through it.  I can remember many times when the music and the dance did carry me through it.  I told the sun at black mountain one time that I thought I had taken too much. He chuckled and said great just work your way through it.  Something like that at least.  They played watchtower that night and I did dance and sweat my way through it.  Too much L can be an amazing experience at the show.  The loss of ego and self, as the emotion, energy, and story of the music flows through you.  It allows you to forget your inhibitions and let the music take you to magical places. The Jerry ballad becomes life changing and brings some of your ego, your life experience back into focus.  It can be painful, but you end up taking a very clear stripped down view of yourself.  These trips are perhaps the most important in one's journey.  They contain so many lessons of life, but also simply allow one to let their emotions flow to take real necessary looks at ones feelings and deal with those trials and tribulations of life.  I can remember shortly after my dad died taking a couple hits and going to see Splintered sunlight.  Mango and I referred to the weekly Splintered shows at Brownies as dance practice.  You could easily sneak in through the backdoor if you showed up after the lights went down.  I would usually leave early when they broke into the throw away stuff or played Truckin. These guys are solid for a local dead band, but lightyears away from what I get from DSO.  I wasn't feeling them on this night and left at set break which was early even for me but not out of the question.  I was tripping when I got home.  I decided to take a shower and ended up in the space I found my dad dead.  I weeped for hours.  I let my emotions go in a way I hadn't before.  I had cried don't get me wrong, but I was taught by that very man to be strong and stoic.  I never once saw him cry.  I cried like a colic baby.  I sobbed and grieved and for the first time allowed myself to experience the great sorrow of his loss.  I can still close my eyes and see him blue on the shower floor.  I will always love you and never forget your memory.  It was a long time even after that that I could listen to Box without crying.  I did eventually stop but recently cried again in memory of Phil, but not like I did for my dad.  It's funny sometimes even a couple hits can be too much L, but too much L isn't a bad thing really.  It's not bad to cry and to feel.  We need those cathartic moments as humans regardless of what it takes to get there.  This stuff was no L and the break from reality become scary and too disorienting. Whitney took Delilah to go the bathroom.

 

When Whitney and Delilah got back, I knew that I was in trouble or at least, too terrified to be in the throes of the dance floor.  I could barely see. The lights and people and movement were blending and shifting.  I couldn't truly discern the space around me where my feet were going where the people were.  My heart was racing due to the axienty and clearly a combination of what I was on. It's funny I was basically in this same space with much less chemicals of lack of sleep leading up to it in Birmingham Alabama.  I made a point to go to the Birmingham show with Whitney.  I had been there before long before my relationship with Whitney.  I had had drinks with Barraco after the Atlanta show, but my hotel was in Birmingham.  This was one of the few times I continued to drive my car inspite of the awareness I had had too much to drink and could not keep my car in the lane and truly operate a vehicle.  Don't get me wrong, the awareness made it so I never truly put myself or others in danger, but I was certainly a liability to get stopped.  Birmingham is an important city in America and had major importance during the civil rights movement.  I had visited the civil rights museum there and felt it was important to share that experience with Whitney.  It was where I had first read Martin Luther King's letter from Birmingham jail.  King's words in that letter are transformative and enlightening.  During the Birmingham show with Whitney, the colors and lights became too disorienting that I asked Whitney to take a walk with me to leave the venue.  This was a super cool venue by the way, outdoors in the middle of city streets.  We took a walk to the car and I slowly felt like I was getting some of my bearings back.  We knew we couldn't reenter the venue but you could clearly hear the music on the sidewalk outside of the venue.  This show was shortly after Bob passed.  I hadn't really processed it and like the loss of my parents I still carry it with me today.  I blew off his last text.  I regret that.  I wish he had called and asked for help.  I would've been on the first plane. Dark Star played China Doll and I danced on the sidewalk in Birmingham while full on sobbing in this memory.  I cried for the loss I felt, but also for the loss that Bryan, my best man, felt and his brothers and all those who he touched along his journey in life.  By the way, Bob was into the Grateful Dead.  He saw the real thing many times and came to some DSO shows with me.  He also spent time with my kids and impacted their lives.  Delilah still brings him up sometimes.  By the time China Doll was over, I let Whitney know that I had gotten what I had come for and had recentered myself.  The peak was over.  I was just floating in that beautiful glow.  A good trip can lift your spirits for days after it occurs.  The world seems more beautiful more kind more connected.  We went back to the hotel.  I drove. Jubilee was different.

 

After sharing with Whitney my level of disorientation, we took a walk together towards the car.  There was no way I could drive in that moment.  She had taken a drop or two of the bad drugs and also did not feel comfortable driving at the time.  She was confident that at the end of the show she could drive us home.  As we walked the anxiety increased and the disorientation intensified.  I wasn't okay and although, I feel in some ways I failed the test psychedelics can put us through, I believe I made the right decision.  I told Whitney that I needed help.  I needed a safe place to ride this out. I didn't know where any of our friends were camped and there was noway I was getting in a car with anyone even Whitney, who I trust and know wouldn't drive if she couldn't.  But she wasn't ready to drive anyway, I needed a safe place now.  Whitney got help.  I cannot thank the people who run the med tent at Jubilee enough.  Those people are life savers and compassionate.  They checked my vitals and determined I didn't need to go to the hospital and they talked with me as I rode out the trip.  They gave me a safe place to really lose my mind.  I saw things that didn't happen.  I mean like a machine with a mechanical arm take the vial out of my car.  I heard things that weren't actually spoken.  I saw many of my personal transgressions and was forced to answer some pretty intense stuff about my life and who I was and what I needed to do to get closer to Terrapin.  I ended up playing a game show called the best game ever or worse game ever.  It was based on your outlook of life and your ability to see the positivity of life the beauty of life despite your trials and tribulations.  I had to decide whether I would stay with Whitney if she had done the same to me as I had done to her.  I even had to answer whether I would stay if her betrayals and transgressions were worse than my own.  I had to accept how little I actually knew about my financial situation and were I actually was in terms of being financially comfortable.  I had to acknowledge that I drive a CRV.  Good car don't get me wrong, but truly middle class, middle of the road.  I had to admit that I should stay in my lane.  Whitney drives the Pilot, the highest end Honda really and she has the nicer car because she deserves it.  She has definitely done better by me than I've done by her. I had to process and accept the damage that the lies I've told Whitney and the dishonesty I've showed her at times were doing to our family to myself and to my progress in my journey to terrapin.  I had to quiet the demons at least enough to live a honest life and to be clear and transparent with my partner.  This was one hell of a ride.  I am truly grateful for this experience and the lessons I got from it. I also don't ever want to be there again. This was the most drops I'd ever take from that vial but we didn't throw it away.  I never built a tolerance to it and every time I took it it seemed to be a challenge to hold it together.  It was never dance juice that helps you connect to the music and feel it flow through you.

 

We welcomed a beautiful baby boy into this world in January of 2024.  He's amazing and the cutest.  He's also been one of the reasons we saw less shows that year.  We missed Jamaica as Whitneys due date was during the event.  We had crazy thoughts and discussions of having the baby there but eventually rational thought prevailed and we accepted the reality we were not going.  I've only missed two Jam in the Sands, one for the birth of a child and the other because I was in prison.  I wasn't as strongly connected to the music.  I was less inspirational to those around me shows.  The most connected I felt was dancing alone in my kitchen or living room.  I had some fun shows and even what I would say were good nights on the dance floor, but not what I'm capable of when I truly get lost in the music and connect to the beat of the universe.  Enough to be cocky and arrogant, but not enough to truly receive the sacrament this music provides.  My spirit continued to dwindle after Jubilee.  For the most part, honesty and openness has prevailed, but darkness continued just more openly and honestly.  I was more distant with the community and no longer spent time providing guidance or even an ear to those in it.  We would leave shows early if the show was too crowded or the dance floor off for some reason, like rocks at the jubilee.  I'd bail on the show if I knew we would be late.  There was a time where if I knew I could catch the last couple songs Id drive like hell to get there. We had another sign the drugs were off in New Mexico but that is a story for Whitney to tell.  Needless to say we through them away.  We went through a different source to get more, but after putting the dots together realize it was really the same source.  We skipped a lot of summer putting our eggs in the Europe basket.  Whitneys passport wouldn't scan and we didn't get to go to Europe.  I did dance outside the JW Marriot on the sidewalk for hours with headphones on.  I connected with the music in a way I hadn't in quite sometime.  We had some hope on the horizon though.  New Years, Jam in the Sand, and Sages here in Denver were setting up a big January for us.  Plus, we was gonna do some of the West Coast tour.  When life looks like easy street....

 

During the New Years run, the 2nd meltdown occurred.  I was pretty much sober for days coming into the shows.  I had smoke some weed, but hadn't been drinking or hanging with KC for days.  I would have passed a drug test for anything other than THC.  We were visiting my in-laws in CT and having serious family time.  I was in a good headspace coming into the shows.  I took a few hits out of the vial and got the train running just a bit.  From the onset of the trip, both Whitney and I felt out of sorts.  We were both in a strange funk.  We struggled to connect with the music and felt uneasy being surrounded by so many people.  The smoking section seemed much brighter and exposed than it ever has at the Capitol.  In hindsight, we should've taken a walk.  We should've retreated to the car or even walked around Port Chester just the two of us.  She is a safe space for me and I am a safe space for her.  Of course, we tried to ride it out.  Its funny I felt like I had a gotten to the other side at some point early in the second set.  I was circling Whitney and playfully touching her hips.  I wish I truly could explain what happened next, but I lost my mind.  My thoughts went to crazy places.  I felt like Whitney and others were in on some form of weird intervention.  I stripped my pants off.  It's not the first time I've got naked at a show but definitely first time I've done indoors and first time without any awareness of the atmosphere around me.  I probably could've pulled my pants up when security first arrived or even the police and simply been kicked out of the show with some form of I was just having fun explanation.  However, when the police arrived I refused to pull up my pants.  I had shoved Whitney away from me and felt alone and betrayed but also confused and angry.  I still don't have any clue what triggered this massive break of reality and entrance into the world of delusion but it went on for hours.  I do sincerely apologized to the band, crew, and community for my behavior here.  It was unfathomably unacceptable. I embarrassed myself, Whitney and to some extent the band.  They take care of me.  I was family.  I was in the inner circle.  

 

I've managed to stay in the inner circle for a long time.  I've been on the guest list for most of the shows I attend for years.  I can not express to those who have helped me just how grateful I am for that.  Eaton, Nicky, Ellie, and Barraco have all helped me and my family out.  I may never be inner circle again and I accept and understand why.  My behavior was reprehensible.  You simply cannot behave the way I did that night.  Lose your step fall out of grace.  I love you guys and promise to do everything I can to make thing right with the community and at the very least regain some of your respect and trust.  I am a positive force for this community and this band.  I inspire people.  I help people connect.  I'm important to the message of this music and this band.  I believe to this day I am a positive and important member of this scene and community.  I lost my mind that night.

 

I was hauled away by the police, but in my mind was in some weird illegal and strange intervention.  I thought Whitney could hear me and choose let me out.  When I share this distrust of her with her, it's painful for her.  She is my safe space.  After that experience at Jubilee, I awoke alone in her car in the passenger seat with no keys freezing.  For a second, I didn't know where I was, what day it was or if I was even alive.  After I regained some level of consciousness, I yearned for Whitney.  I wasn't gonna feel safe until I was in her arms.  On this night, I thought she was in some way responsible for what was going on.  Our trips aren't bad anymore, but we have established a safe word where we will shut up and let the other take the lead even if that means leaving the show.  We are each others safe space.  I kept yelling at the cops that they aren't real.  This is illegal.  You have to let me out of here.  I even clogged the toilet and flooded my cell out at one point.  It wasn't until I spoke with Whitney that sanity returned and reality sunk in.  I am fortunate for where I was when I got in trouble and the fact that I'm financially well off that I could hire a fantastic attorney.

 

This case won't affect me long term in a legal sense.  My final court date is on March 14th.  The court date actually turns out to be a blessing.  It allows me to catch two DSO shows in New Jersey.  We weren't planning to do any shows until after the wedding. My lawyer has got the DA to agree to no felony, no probation, no community service, and no drug testing.  I won't go into all the details of my initial charge but all is gonna be okay.  It did however cost me a day in Jamaica as I the judge insisted I appear in court that Friday.  My actions have however impacted my place with this band this scene and this community greatly.  It doesn't take much to get the word around.  

 

I do want to thank a stranger that I met at the Capitol the night of the meltdown.  We shared contact info and he said he had some good trips.  I partook in his stuff when I returned.  I threw away the vial that we had but I'm not turning my back of LSD.  I believe in it and I believe you and everyone should take it at some point in your life.  It's transformative and once you learn the ride can be just plan fun.  It gives you what you need given your current place in life.  Helps you connect, helps you grieve, helps you celebrate, moves you towards terrapin.  We had such a great time.  We had been eating bad drugs for almost 8 months.  It felt so good to have that dance energy again that force of connectivity. I made a point to meet up with a trusted source that night after the show to make sure our Inspiration was clean and solid for Jamaica.  I can't thank you enough man.  Jamaica was a true turning point for me in this journey.

 

In some ways, I've brought the attention on myself, but I live in a glass house within this community.  We saw a community member in Oakland that wasn't at the Capitol that knew about what happened that night.  Word travels fast.  I've had to answer to many people about my actions that night.  We did go back to the Capitol for the last two shows there.  We bought our tickets and that may be a permanent situation and in all honesty, that's okay.  I can afford them and I want to support this band.  Its hard to hold your head high and show up with the amount of shame I felt but we did so, we even dance upfront at one point to where I know that members of the band saw us.  I am commited to being myself and being a strong member of this community going forward.  I went through a lot of emotions in Jamaica.  I felt like people who would usually catch up with me share a laugh and story with me had chosen to excommunicate me.  I was no longer welcome in their presence.  Some of these thoughts may have been created within my own head as I deal with my shame.  It felt like band members wouldn't make eye contact with me, didn't want to acknowledge me to the point were I simply avoided interaction.  When I would usually approach and say high, I simply kept walking.  I was absorbed and consumed by my shame.  However, I was on fire.

 

I lost myself in the music in Jamaica in a way that I hadn't in over a year maybe 2.  With Whitney as my muse and the music as my guide, I danced in the sand in a way that inspired me.  It reassured me in the positivity of this music and scene.  It made it abundantly clear that Dark Star, the music, and Jerry and Hunter vision were in touch with supernatural positive forces of this world.  They lead us towards and not away from Terrapin.  They shed everlasting light and joy on our beings.  They reinforce and shine light on our purpose in this world.  They heal us.  This music, scene, and community is a beacon of positive energy that the world needs that the world lacks.  Whitney and I had many people share their pleasure and joy in watching us dance.  We inspired people.  It was nice to feel like a positive force within this music and community.  It lifted my spirit.  For 3 days, we crushed it on the beach at the Jewel Paradise Cove.  I'm going to miss the staff there.  The resort is changing hands and with the shift in ownership, it is unlikely DSO will hold their event there next year.  The omelet station guy, the beach bartender, the guy that restocked our mini fridge and countless other Jamaicans will be truly missed.  They too were a beacon of positivity in this world.  They were a great part of the experience and went above and beyond their job requirements to make us feel welcome.  After you visit Jamaica, you become JaAmerican.  Unfortunately I received news from my lawyer that he could not get the judge to agree on a continuance, that the judge was insisted that attend court on that Friday so we had to fly back to the states on Thursday go to court Friday morning and fly back to Jamaica Friday afternoon.  We even made it back in time for the DSO show.  However, I had ate something or my body was telling me something and I had it coming out both ends so I for the most part sat that show out too.  I missed the last two DSO shows in Jamaica.  But I got what I needed.  I reconnected with the music and the universe in a way I desperately needed.  I am still riding off that high.  However, due to my shame and possibly the feelings of some of the bands members, I am still dealing with this fall from grace.  When trust is broken, it can take a long time to repair it.  

 

I must say that after the Blue Lake casino show some of the feelings of excommunication have dissipated.  I got a chance to share some words and some time with several members of the band.  It felt casual and light and the same as it used to feel.  I still carry some of that shame and I definitely don't feel like I hold that same space with the band that I did before but I don't feel so judged or unwanted.  I feel that my presence and attendance is welcomed and maybe even wanted.  

 

Whitney and I make it official April 25th in New Orleans.  We are both very excited for a wedding and to celebrate our union and commitment to a life long partnership.  The wedding takes place during Jazzfest and give those in attendance the opportunity to catch Axial Tilt, JGB, Deadfeat, and countless other amazing bands during the trip to New Orleans.  Additionally, Whitney and I have arranged to have a private concert on the Monday following our wedding.  This should be a truly special experience.  If anyone hear feels like they didn't get an invite but should be in attendance at our wedding, please reach out.  We didn't have everyone's addresses and planning a wedding is stressful.  Also very expensive.  I am positive that there our people we both feel our more than welcome and should have been invited to celebrate with us that we just didn't get addresses for.  Don't hesitate to reach out.  

 

I do think I probably have more to say and this may be revised and updated in the upcoming days but I wanted to get something up here.  I needed to do this for myself.  Putting it all out there and letting my actions be known is an important step for me in dealing with the shame I feel for my actions.  I cannot wait to dance again with all of you share stories of love joy heartache and sorrow.  I look forward to sharing a kind word or some wisdom I may have with any of you out there that need it.  I also look forward to receiving wisdom from you guys that I need.  Love is real.  Life is a continual journey of growth.  I will make it to Terrapin.  

 

Without love in the dream it will never come true....

[franknkeene]

First post in something like 7 years. Forgive me in advance if I am out-of-bounds.

Didn’t Ken Kesey and group eventually “graduate”?  It’s been 40 years since I read Tom Wolf's book.

Allow me to stick my neck out so you can chop it off. I experience that we will never remain in Terrapin as a constant state of being through L. Rather L provides a glimpse of what the Station is like – never permanent, just a glimpse that is dependent on the substance. After graduation I have nurtured those experiences with some other method that does not require anything external, but rather, comes from completely within ourselves. 

 

Forgive me, but I will now project me onto you. Like a Terrapin that retreats into its shell, as humans, I have discovered that I can turn the always-outward-facing senses and perceptions the other way, inward bound. For the last day since your post, I have imagined you discovering yoga, although I have never met you…..although maybe I danced in your circle at Hampton Beach. Like Starbucks, there is a studio on every corner.  From what I know of you and Whitney, only through your writings, you guys have the modus operandi. Have you ever been to India where no substances are needed for the experience of Terrapin?  Even that is not necessary (IMHO) but a fun trip.  From your post, I know you have the ways and means.

Your openness and writing skills are inspiring.

Strangers stopping strangers.

Frank

Edited March 4 by franknkeene
typos

[Michael Doc Watson]

Rick, I doubt if any of your actions should deserve that much shame or guilt that you have described in that long post. (I think it took me half an hour to read it all.)  Hopefully sharing your thoughts will help chase those sort of demons out of your head.  I wish we were together now so as to give you a big hug.

 

Unfortunately I won't be able to make it to your celebration in New Orleans. My diminishing health prevents me from traveling too far from the local ER which has become a much too familiar place. It’s not a good time when at first sight the nurses call me by my first name.  They are working up to another major surgery which might be my last. Hopefully that will get scheduled after the upcoming Atlanta show which maybe I can attend and see you and all our other good friends.

 

Peace and Love,

Doc

[chuckvegas]

Frank, good to see you here! It has been too long! Your words always ring true.

 

Doc, bless you. My travel is likely over for good also, and I am thinking in my heart of you and another fellow voyager. At least we got while the getting was good!

 

Rick, it took true grit to post a mea culpa of such depth. There is a lot to say, and I think you aren’t the only one to commit a faux pas or two. For now I will just observe that sometimes the trouble with L is its other face.

 

[Brian NJ]

Thank you Rick! Not for apologies but your humanness. You have been in my eyes like a younger version of me since we first met. I have always been a fan of mega-dosing for decades and at times loss all contact with any semblance of reality. I can go on forever about that and someday maybe I will at length but that is a life that all but killed me...

 

I will say what I said after the 9:30 club pisser of a show. 

Not one of us here on the scene, (myself included, friends, band members, crew, everyone), hasn't done or said something that they wish nobody ever knew or heard about at least every couple years.

btw This is my 1st knowledge of your transgressions .

 

You live life to the fullest and is there any other way to live?  "Though I may not caution all I still might warn a few". You have heard those words from me to you more than once. Please be careful my friend I love you!

 

I am sorry that Nicole and I won't make it to yours and Whitney wedding. Life is happening and at times overwhelming.

 

Rick you are a good person that like everybody else fucks up sometimes. You know I will always be in your corner without judgement!!!

You can overcome anything your mind creates that drags you down!!! 

 

On a side note if this helps anyone...

March 4th, 1995, I was withdrawing from fentanyl from 2 different doctors, a huge heroin habit, seconal from 2 different drs, percs , chloral hydrate, nembutal, talwin and more. I had a hard time walking with a cane. 2 fusions in back ( broke both fusions, 4 herniated discs above that, 6 operations on my knees, reconstructed shoulder, splenectomy, 8 broke ribs, 48 staples... People shot at me almost weekly. I was robbing and ripping off heroin dealers in Brooklyn and Manhattan...

 

30 years clean!

 

Today is a great day to be alive!

 

 

 

 

[Michael Doc Watson]

2 hours ago, Brian NJ said:

 

Today is a great day to be alive!

 

 

 

 

Amend to that.   It's good to hear a few words from all these good friends. ...and I didn't realise that is the young gentleman I call "D C Frank"  For some reason I keep moving back to the Ledges , sitting with DC and Rick on a fence which really must have been a picknick table turned on end. The band had just played "Ruben and Chilise" It was a good afternoon.

[Greg from Chestertown]

….love will see you through.

[2muchfun]

Rick,

I will certainly not be casting stones at you as I have plenty of sins on my hands as well. Your honest admissions are admirable. My experiences with L are behind me now but hey we’re both very positive and not so much.

I can commiserate with Chuck and Doc as time has brought various health issues. That being said I am flying to Wilkes Barre to catch the 2 shows there cause so far I can’t stop for nothing.

I enjoy seeing yourself , Whitney, and any of various kids every time I do. Congrats on upcoming nuptials.

Brian says be careful…I agree…watch your speed.

[Ammagamalin Crew]

I heard that Jerry used to go to India (or Tibbet) when having troubles with substances, also David Lindley took that route at difficult times. 

[Billy DeLyon]

Big Steve "Parish"  Would always talk about people back in the day at shows, usually on L, would strip naked and rush the stage.  Try to give Jerry a hug or something.  They would usually be able to handle them without anyone getting hurt.  It was a normal thing back in the 60's,70's.  Some stories of guys stripping naked and running out of the venue on to the street never to be seen again.  So I guess consider yourself lucky.  Sux the law come to get you if you don't walk right.  Sounds like you had to pay your dues with time and money to the court systems.  I doubt anyone in the crowd was that offended.  You were just a few decades off, I wouldn't sweat it.  

[Tea]

Rick > Congratulations to you and Whitney on your upcoming nuptials - JazzFest sure seems like a great place to celebrate your lives together and share that with the people you love. 

 

I'm far from anything resembling a sage but as for all the tribulations you've confronted on your journey, I believe they are meant to teach, to grow, to warn, to humble, to celebrate, and to guide.  Regardless of whether we actively pay attention to these messages, these artifacts of consciousness-seeking truth and understanding, we either try to let them guide us or we fight for the perception of control of destiny - it just depends on the moment, on the day.  It feels to me like a tug-of-war that just goes on forever.  Personally, the pursuit to truthfully examine what drives my purpose seemed more attainable with the assistance of substances. They helped cut through the clutter but flying that close to the sun dulled me from the more tangible things that bring me a semblance of peace.  A word salad if there ever was one, right?

 

Everyone's journey is uniquely their own and it takes some stones to turn yourself inside out like that for all to see - I respect the brutal honesty.  This is not me telling you what to do, but rather to share the part of my path that has led me to a better place.  Tell Whitney, tell your kids, that you love them every . single . day.  Show them that love and appreciation.  Share in the unique passions that each of them have.  Help stoke the fires of discovery, wonder and hope in those kids.  It's so beautiful to see how much it's done to the people I love the most and what its does for my spirit.  I wish you peace, love, and understanding on your journey forward.      

[Tom Banjo]

We can learn from sages and we can learn from crooks.  Everyone's story has lessons in it.  Personally, I learn most from the moments and events in life where I fall down, come up short.  It's the danger not easy street from which we learn.  I am grateful for my failures and short comings.  I am grateful for the opportunities to grow.  There is nothing worse than stagnation.  

 

I hope I didn't and certainly didn't mean to imply that LSD is the path to Terrapin.  I stand by often stated advice to others from very early on that marijuana and psychedelics are good for you.  Powders and booze are poison.  Don't get me wrong.  Poison can be fun.  It has its time and place.  To reference some other bands music, bag of goodies and bottle wine we gonna get on right tonight.  LSD does, however, in my experience provide you with glimpses of Terrapin. It opens the window or as Huxley would say opens the door of perception. However, for the experienced, LSD becomes dance energy, a vehicle to connect oneself to the music.  It allows one to enter into a space of collective experience of shared energy, thoughts, and emotions.  It will still open the doors of perception a few times a year but it doesn't have that effect most of the time.  The music alone can still have that force though.  Psychedelics are not required to connect with the music and dance.  

 

I do not believe that a permanent state of Terrapin is achievable during our journey here on Earth.  The permanent state comes after we move on.  "Is it the end or the beginning."  My mom is in Terrapin and she may have never even listened to the song.  She did come to the first set in Scottsdale with me one year.  There are many ways to get glimpses into Terrapin.  I find hiking and being in nature to take me there.  I find sunrises and sunsets to take me there.  Simply standing on my porch and staring at the mountains while taking deep breathes can take me there.  Without a doubt, in the moments when Whitney and I become one and make love takes me there.  I'm always taken to a special place when I see the joy in my children eyes.  I do find the more glimpses I get the closer I get to a permanent state of positivity and light, an existence centered in love.  

 

Love is real