Fall from Grace

[Tom Banjo]

I went to Georgetown. Managed to graduate too. In hindsight I know I didn't make the most of that experience. I squandered my families money. I could've got As and Bs but because of my addictions and my desire to live the GD movement I got Cs. Don't get me wrong I could've lived the GD movement and performed well in school. But I would've seen less shows. There was no way to perform to the level I was capable of doing the amount of drugs and alcohol I was doing. I even missed shows to get high. However even with my grades the biggest thing I did to hinder life's track was picked up some criminal charges along the way including felonies. 
 

When I graduated I plan to go on tour for the summer and then get a real job a career. Then Dewey beach happened. My first felony. My excuse for not seeking real employment for years. My excuse to totally drop out. My excuse for gaining traction towards more felonies. After Delaware I did get a look at an investment money managing firm, I clearly separated myself from the other interns. I got over 95 percent series 6 and 63. Pennsylvania turned down my applications based off of my marijuana felony. The company chose not to hire me based on I couldn't do the job without the license. I was falling from Grace.

It didn't stop there though. I ended up living a scandalous life. I broke her heart. I had a solid girl that worked and accepted the way I got by and I cheated on her. I threw my life into further turmoil and picked up felony number 2 shortly after our break up. Hell you would think I would turn back at this point but I'm stubborn and as my recently deceased brother would tell you I'm the dumbest smart kid you know. However this was the lowest felt. I was dishonest and intentionally so. I was selfish. I didn't worry about others feelings.

 

Despite that being the lowest I felt about myself, things definitely got worse. I met Whitney. She saved my life. I'd be with Herdy now if it wasn't for her. I was doing so much drugs and alcohol I was on a collision course for death. She helped me scale it back but it didn't stop and I didn't see things clearly. I certainly was blind all the time I was learning to see.

 

We had a baby Delilah she is the most beautiful and precious spirit I know. Some of you have see her get down on the dance floor. Her joy is pure magic but even that couldn't totally rescue me.

 

My mom fell down and couldn't get up for hours. We hoped it was dehydration. We prayed it was a stroke. It turned out to be stage 4 gliobastoma. A death sentence. I got arrested twice within 6 months of the news. My third felony and a SIS. I still struggle to accept the SIS as me doing totally wrong. A cop pulled up behind me while i was peeing on my tire. I beg you to show me a male or even a female that at some point hasn't peed on a tire. But I did have a baggie with some cocaine residue on it and some weed in the car. The cop literally told me if I was 30 miles down the highway they would dump those on the side of the road and I would be on my way but not Lafayette county Missouri.

 

Once again, you'd think I turn back. I would do right. But drug addiction and grief are a mother fucker. I couldn't control myself. I was given probation but I peed dirty. Here I have no excuse. I fucked up. I'm extremely fortunate Whitney still with me, that I still have a family. I ended up getting a 4 month DOC drug treatment sentence in order to continue probation. I had totally fallen from grace. I went to prison. That's a scary fucking place. You want to know racism is real go to prison. If you don't have a stamp, you in the minority. It was also heart breaking. Delilah would ask me why I just won't come home. She worries now every time I go to work that I'm not coming home. It breaks my heart. Im crying as I type this. Im not sure I can fall further from grace.

 

Over the course of these years I developed debts with several people. Many I've paid. Some I have not. Those debts aren't forgotten and fortunately I have a get of jail free card coming. After probate, I will receive enough money to settle all my debts and to start businesses. It sucks to do it this way. I wasn't capable of doing it on my own but I truly hope to do it and not only do it but to establish a future for my children. I currently work 40 plus hours a week at Qdoba. I would've been promoted to shift supervisor by now but they won't do it until I'm off probation. I am pissing clean for all my drug tests since getting out of DOC but I've burnt many bridges already. I've lost many friends. I know some people will never trust me or feel the same way about me again.

 

I also know that I'm a good person. I've never intentionally fucked someone or did someone wrong but the road to hell is filled with good intentions. I've certainly taken the long road to incorporate my mom and dad tried to teach me at a young age. I now know much more deeply the value of the all important dollar. And we could talk about how I really feel about the age of greed and age of American capitalist imperialism but it doesn't matter. Reality is what it is. Theories and idealism don't mean much although we should change course. Help people not hinder them. Stop supporting the American prison profit system and destruction of peoples lives. But that isn't what I'm here to do right now. 
 

I'm sorry to those I let down along the way. I'm beyond sorry to my mom and dad. They used to tell me because of my intellectual gifts to whom much is given much expected. Neither will live to see me as a success. I've let them down immensely. I've let many of you down immensely. All I hope it for forgiveness and love; to make things right; and to keep the positive energy of this community going.

 

DSO, the Grateful Dead and the love contained in the message of the Grateful Dead has taught me that a better life is possible. I can make things right. Success is possible. I can find direction. I can be a great dad. I can be a positive force in this scene and community. If the good lord wills it, I'll get back on my feet. 
 

Some will say I've shared too much. I should never have posted something like this but it felt good to get it off my chest to own it. I fallen from grace and I'm not entirely innocent in the fall. In fact, I'm responsible. Fortunately, my mom and dad lived a life where I will be granted a chance to get back on track. But I'd much rather have my mom but I will someday be someone that my mom and dad can look down on and be proud of. I will be the person I know I'm capable of being. I will live the good life. 

[Greg from Chestertown]

Thank you. I wrote a similar letter on Father’s Day ‘95. You’ll get there. You already took the first step, looking in the mirror and not being pleased with what you see. Keep that mindset that is in the letter. Be patient with yourself.                                                             …..comes a time….

[chuckvegas]

Rick, it takes a big man with to full heart to make such a statement that he knows the life he is living is no good.

 

A lot of people have been very worried for you and not only is love real, concern is too. 

 

Many of us have, for whatever reason, an empty place inside us. The GD/DSO music and all that comes with it helps fill that hole. I think the trick is to keep the cup full but not constantly overflowing. And while the venue is interesting, a lot of of us don’t think too terribly fondly of Dewey... 🤔

 

it took courage to write what you did. I know it is more than just a “look at me” post. So no more platitudes, no more song allusions, just a nod to strength we know you have.

[2muchfun]

32 minutes ago, chuckvegas said:

 

A lot of people have been very worried for you and not only is love real, concern is too. 

 

Many of us have, for whatever reason, an empty place inside us. The GD/DSO music and all that comes with it helps fill that hole. I think the trick is to keep the cup full but not constantly overflowing..

 

it took courage to write what you did. I know it is more than just a “look at me” post. So no platitudes, no more song allusions, just a nod to strength we know you have.

What he said without the platitude or venue reference.

 

Reading your post was like staring at the poster….100 Grateful Dead Songs

Stay strong brother

 

[Island Bro]

Rick,,thank you for taking such an honest step and humbly sharing your story to that level. That helps others understand but also inspires us all to do the same.

 

I simply want to say that when I saw you at Skull and Roses last Spring,,though our moments were very few and fleeting I could feel some sort of significant shift in your being and a grounded clarity that felt good to me…..so I’m just reflecting that back at you…and offering words of support to keep leaning in that direction…keep your hands on the wheel and keep steering towards kindness, love, family, responsibility, honesty, sweetness, and yes—ecstatic realease on the dance floor! You totally have it in you and it’s amazing to witness you steering hard in that direction…

And a good reminder for me to do the same…

 

I’m thankful you are still in this world and stepping up to this awesome opportunity to create the good life you envision!!!

🙏🏼

 

[Brian NJ]

Using voice to text so please excuse the typos.

Rick what can I say I love you my brother! I remember meeting your mother at the house outside of Atlantic City. We talked for about 15 minutes and in the conversation I had mentioned that I haven't drank or anything else for many years.

She asked me to please watch out for you!

You know from time to time I have reached out to you to offer support if you wanted it. I have learned painfully that you cannot talk an addict into stopping you can beat them up lock them up counsel pray over Etc but they will not stop until they want to. I will always be there for you!

Rick you know much of my story and for your benefit and others that may be looking for hope I'm here to tell you that you can stay clean and overcome the guilt of your life!

I will never judge you nor have I ever because I know the life that I lived for many years. Some of the most spiritual people I know have been the dredges of society at some point in their lives.

At 14 I got my first sheet of acid figuring I would sell it I sold two hits and the other 98 I consumed in the next 3 and half weeks. I had a period of 6 years shooting an 8ball of Coke or speed nearly every day and drinking a fifth to fifth and a half of scotch every day. With my first major surgery reconstructed shoulder doctor said he doesn't give me more than a year but more than likely a week to months before I die with the path I was on. I quit drinking but continued with the drugs. In all told do to addiction I've had a reconstructed shoulder eight broke ribs rupture spleen 2 back operations broke the  Fusions 4 herniated disc above that and six operations on my knees. I had a hard time walking and had to use a cane for close to 10 years. The only thing that gave me relief was heroin. I was shooting  50 to 60 bags of 90% pure Brooklyn (tango n cash, doa etc)dope and had consigned myself to die.

In 94 I was back at my parents house doing what I do selling drugs. I got set up brought to the county the cops went to my parents house my mom had a heart attack and went in the hospital and died. My dad was an electrical engineer at Bell labs and my mom was a real estate broker. I was a junkie..

I had nothing to live for.  One more day I find myself alive tomorrow maybe go beneath the ground...

I listened to this everyday while living in my car after getting out of County Jail for the next 10 months and all I wanted was a little peace before I die. Rick you can come back from the deepest depths of despair I did and you and I are more like than you know. Or maybe you do know.. I got clean in March of 1995 and had 2.5 years with my father before he ended up with cancer and asked me to be in charge and make the decisions on his life and death.

Rick with all the guilt I had about my life, all the injuries that I have had, 3 felonies and the difficulties of overcoming immense guilt I have been clean for over 27 years.

You are a very special person Rick yes intelligent A pure heart and not a bad person trying to be good, just a sick person trying to get well. You can do this!!!

Wasn't it Nietzsche  that said "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger."

Time to show your strength my friend, Call me!!!

[Ammagamalin Crew]

Harbor no regrets. We are given maybe a 100 yrs to get it right before we make it to the promise land Jerry did it in 52. I'm still working on it at 58. I'd offen see poetry girl on here encouraging people to go easy on theirselves. I've found with each new discovery the ante keeps going up and the world becomes a new place. Channel what you gather with those around you. You do that very well with the forum. Even though we only met up at a Taft show briefly out front before the 83 St Stephen recreation, your writings here make it seem like you're an old friend I've known for years. The title of fall from grace is becoming  stumble into grace. Which starts out with I Am Here and leads to I am Lost Unto This World.

 

[Tea]

It takes great strength and grace to put yourself out there like that.  I completely understand the sorrow of letting others down but "... to thine own self, be true."  We simply cannot hide and many still die trying. 

 

I got a ways to go to be the man I know I can be but I've had to remind myself every day that "I'm 100% *!@&# worth it - even if when feel like I'm not.

 

Love you brother - here's to the best chapter yet!

[Weather Command]

Rick, my story is a long one but not sure i want to share at this time...I moved through it and so can you !!! You got so much talent to give my friend. I have some ideas. Please give me a call when you can!! Love you !!

[WharfRatStu]

Rick (aka Tom Banjo), I have never met you but thanks for sharing.

You can do whatever you put your mind too (even if it should take a few attempts). 

One day at time, one show at a time my friend.

 

Please read the lyrics to Phish's song 'Everything's Right' below. I found so much strength in these lyrics, perhaps you can find something in these words as well...

 

Time to get out, I've paid my dues
I need to shout there's no time to lose
No more to give, the well is dry
The pavements worn, my brain is fried
It's time to get out, I've paid my dues

My shoes have holes, my socks are bare
The mirror's secret is I'm losing my hair
I'm in prison without a crime, The sentence stretches on undefined
It's time to get out, I've paid my dues, I've paid my dues

But everything's right, So just hold tight

Everything's right, So just hold tight

 

I'm going downhill with increasing speed
And compassion gives way, if you listen to greed
Focus on the past and that's what will last
Nothing that is real and nothing you can feel
Focus on tomorrow you'll have to borrow
Images and mind and thoughts you've left behind
Focus on today and you'll find a way
Happiness is how, Rooted in the now

'Cause, everything's right, So just hold tight

Everything's right, So just hold tight

 

Look into the eyes of everyone you meet
Try not to step on your best friend's feet
The line is in the sand, the flag is planted
The rest of your life, Don't take it for granted

'Cause, everything's right, So just hold tight

Everything's right, So just hold tight

 

This world, this world, 

This crazy world I know, It turns, it turns
And the long night's over and the suns coming up
Everything's right, It's gonna be alright!