22 Years Ago

[Tea]

Today - 22 years ago, the world lost Jerry Garcia.  I can remember exactly where I was and what I was doing...

 

I was a camp counselor that summer - wrangling countless kids on a hot Carolina August day.  During a brief respite, I sought refuge in a hammock that was a couple hundred yards into the woods.  As I approached the spot, I saw our camp Director bawling in the hammock - heaving sobs.  She was probably 30 years my senior and I was shocked to see this strong, confident woman almost hysterical with grief.  I felt really nervous when it was clear I had interrupted what was clearly meant to be a private moment.  My reaction was to apologize for intruding and ask if she was going to be ok.

 

I remember her words - she said, "No, I'm not ok.  There's a million people that are not ok". I looked at her bewildered and she said, "It's probably stupid to you but we lost somebody that cannot be replaced  - we lost Jerry Garcia, man.  Jerry Garcia is dead, I can't freaking believe it"

 

She had no idea I was a raging Deadhead when she hired me.  It was my first real, real job and I figured it would be best if it didn't come up in the interview.  The tough part was being a Deadhead was woven into the fabric of my identity for the last 8 years - all of them formative.  It took everything I had not to turn those cards over when I compelled her to hire me.  I would wait a few more weeks before letting her know that I was going to need some time off from the YMCA in September for person reasons (read:  Fall Tour).

 

I hadn't really processed what she said because once she said it, my breath became shallow and it literally felt like I was suspended in mid-air, upside-down.  "Wait - What?  Jerry Garcia is dead?  Jerry Garcia, THE Jerry Garcia is dead?"  She looked at me and I knew it was finally over.  I was a selfish prick and I broke down on the spot.  Not because a once in a lifetime talent and purveyor of love and light was never going to pierce the air with his expression ever again - no.  It was because one of the things that made me who I was and my plans for the Fall all got taken away from ME in an instant.

 

I asked her to move over and we cried and hugged until it was time to finish our jobs for the day.  It was during that last 30 minutes of work that day that my thoughts went to what Deadheads - what the world was losing and not what had been taken away from me.  God what a young selfish punk I was back then...it was a bewildering time for many.

 

Here are some eulogistic comments that I think are a great summation of Jerry's wonderful talent and spirit:

 

"There's no way to measure his greatness or magnitude as a person or as a player. I don't think any eulogizing will do him justice. He was that great, much more than a superb musician, with an uncanny ear and dexterity. He's the very spirit personified of whatever is Muddy River country at its core and screams up into the spheres. He really had no equal. To me he wasn't only a musician and friend, he was more like a big brother who taught and showed me more than he'll ever know. There's a lot of spaces and advances between The Carter Family, Buddy Holly and, say, Ornette Coleman, a lot of universes, but he filled them all without being a member of any school. His playing was moody, awesome, sophisticated, hypnotic and subtle. There's no way to convey the loss. It just digs down really deep." - Bob Dylan

 

[topher44]

My husband's sister died yesterday after a long bout with cancer, and while her and Jerry's deaths were not even remotely similar, the grief was hard for me, and last night I bawled like a baby for a while. We are, of course relieved that she is no longer in pain, and I felt that for Jerry, too, after he died. While I am not a religious person, I do like to entertain the notion that our spirits carry on after our passing, and I have experienced several instances where I could swear that I have felt the presence of departed ones I have known, albeit quite fleetingly. Losing Jerry took me quite a while to fully comprehend. It finally hit me like a ton of bricks when, a week or so after that fateful day I had hiked up to a stunningly beautiful ridge in Harriman State Park, listening to "So Many Roads" from the final show, sat down, and just cried and cried for what seemed like an eternity. Looking up through my tears, I noticed an unusual cloud formation that looked remarkably like Jerry in his later years, forehead wrinkles and all! And he seemed to be smiling at me! This calmed me down immediately, and I smiled back in appreciation of this cosmic gift, even if it was only in my imagination. I spoke with Mike's sister four days ago, and it was clear then that she was near death, and called us to say she loved us. I knew in my heart this would probably be our last conversation with her, and it was hard to listen to her in so much pain, despite being on heavy morphine. Our neighbor's daughter celebrated her birthday yesterday, and being reminded of that helped me gain perspective on the circle of life. Tomorrow is guaranteed to no one, so "live life like there is no tomorrow" has taken on new meaning for me. The trick is to keep that alive in my mind at all times.

 

Thank you, Tea, for your story, and also for the quote from Dylan. A more sincere and heartfelt eulogy there has never been. Bob sure has a way with words, doesn't he!!!

 

Topher

[John A]

I had a trip to Six Flags Great America scheduled with my pregnant girlfriend (now wife), two women she did childcare for, and a few of their young children.  The news came through just after we woke up.  We went ahead to Great American because what else could one do, but man what a weird day to go to an amusement park.

[Ammagamalin Crew]

I heard it in the teacher's lounge around noon. Kept my head together until the ride home when all I could do was cry and cuss. Luckily, I had started backing out by 1994 and had found Emmylou to tour with. The radio station, WEBN, was joking about it. I was able, back then, to call them and tell them to cut their shit out. Thought Jerry would always be with us. Couldn't even imagine the planet still turning without him. After about 10 years or so, I started realizing that Jerry had done his time here and didn't need to experience all the crap we have going on now. He certainly made the most of 52 years. We all keep the joys and sorrows alive as "we walk together little children, we don't have to worry!"

[Dead duck]

I was in high school. Was a casual fan, had never been to a show, but heard there was going to be a candlelight vigil at the park in the heady area of Louisville. Some friends that had been to shows and were into it much more than me at the time were going so I figured I would tag along. Figuring it was just a reason to hang out, smoke, and listen to music. Upon arrival the scene was not what's I expected. The grief, the hugs, the tears, the sorrow, it really affected me. I felt guilty for showing up for my selfish reasons. But at the same time, seeing how lost all these people were, not knowing what they were gonna do, made me feel like I was missing the point. And up to that point I obviously was. The outpouring of grief from the world and the scene I saw at the park that day, is most likely the reason I ended up eventually "getting it." So it's weird on Aug 9, 1995 I didn't shed a tear, but there hasn't been an Aug 9 since that I haven't. RIP Jer. And THANK YOU

[Tea]

Thanks for sharing your story Topher - it's tough to have a comforting perspective when the pain and grief are so raw, and so real.  My thoughts of hope and strength are with you during this sorrowful time for you and your family.

 

While the past was gone and I tried to stay in the moment and not look too far around the bend, there was a pretty large void that was left when Jerry passed.  That space got smaller with wisdom, maturity, experience and perspective.  The space that was left got covered up with distraction and a desire to find a similar passion in other pursuits.  It just never went totally away - a piece of it remained mostly dormant and would come and go like a multi-year tide.   The closest thing I can equate it to is like the first time you really loved somebody and thought you'd be together forever.  Then life happened and it just slipped away and sent you in another unexpected direction.  With time, it's grip on you fades into the background and it's becomes that little bit of scar tissue that you accept and try to appreciate - it's one of the things that make us who we are.

 

I'll never forget the hearing DSO perform for the first time.  I was giving my friend crap for making me go see a cover band and he wasn't taking no for an answer.  Seeing them perform that Scarlet was like lightning running through my DNA.  It broke up all the crap I covered that space with and it became a raw nerve - in a good way if such a thing is possible.  It was the sweetest pain I think I have ever felt and it all came flooding out with a current that could not be stopped.

 

I'll stop this blog here since it seems like I might need to take it to a Psychologists office and not a public forum - lol!  I'm just so thankful for DSO and the wonderful community it feeds.  You are all just the best there is and made of the stuff that helps make my world spin!  

 

 

[Rude]

I had just gotten on the bus and had tour plans for the fall in new york.  I didnt get the ramifications that the dead was no longer.  You see musicians die and bands still carry on, and being so new to the dead scene, I didnt grasp that this was it.  I, like you tea, felt the selfishness that we likely wouldnt be getting any fall tour.  My 1st Dead run had just finished and I had discovered this new amazing world and it was taken away from me as quickly as I had found it.  I had just gone on my 1st road trip with buddies to see a band multiple times and it was amazing.  Staying at glowood outside indy with 2k+ other deadheads camping really hooked me.  Getting a miracle ticket at soldier field when miracles were becoming literal miracles was amazing.  Now it was over.  I searched for that same feeling.  Saw Phish in 96.  That wasnt even close to it.  Went to Furthur fest at Deer creek in 96 thinking this would be it.  That was even further from it.  Bobby barely played a dead song and Mickey was doing his weird world music thing that I didnt connect with at all.  After that I realized it was all over.....until I found Dark Star 15 years later.

[topher44]

2 hours ago, Tea for Texas said:

I'll never forget the hearing DSO perform for the first time.  I was giving my friend crap for making me go see a cover band and he wasn't taking no for an answer.  Seeing them perform that Scarlet was like lightning running through my DNA.  It broke up all the crap I covered that space with and it became a raw nerve - in a good way if such a thing is possible.  It was the sweetest pain I think I have ever felt and it all came flooding out with a current that could not be stopped.

 

I'll stop this blog here since it seems like I might need to take it to a Psychologists office and not a public forum - lol!  I'm just so thankful for DSO and the wonderful community it feeds.  You are all just the best there is and made of the stuff that helps make my world spin!  

 

 

Thank you for the kind words, Tea! It is and will be tough these next few days, but I am already making peace with her passing. Oddly, I felt closer to her than Mike did, even though I know he loved her very much. For the last couple of years I had been baking some "fortified" cookies once a week, and mailed them to her. She claims that eating them was the only thing that gave her an appetite through her chemo, and also helped her fall asleep at night (imagine that!).

 

Regarding DSO, I wholeheartedly agree about that first time seeing them, as that feeling of ecstasy that i thought I would never experience again came flooding through me, too! Unlike you, though, I had been toying with the idea of seeing them for a while prior to my first show in 2008, and Mike was excited to shake his bones again, so we took a chance and went. You having been dragged to your first show by your friend, only to discover that feeling of joy once again, must have been overwhelming, to say the least!

[ducats]

https://archive.org/details/gd95-06-18.aud.2543.sbeok.shnf

 

after seeing this Bertha (thankfully hearing the Wharf-try to listen to it- Rat years later) and leaving the only show I ever walked out on I remember saying to myself while walking to lot that he was dying. Hence when I turned on the radio that morning 6 weeks later and heard 3 dead songs in a row I knew he was dead.  he was one of a kind the likes of which don't come around very often.  once a deadhead always a deadhead. 

[acududeman]

At the risk of sounding crass, I was minimally taken aback by the news of Jerry's passing. I figured his days were numbered based on what I was seeing and hearing on the stage.....he simply looked terrible, and many nights by the last tour he didn't sound much better than he looked.

Please don't get me wrong....I love Jerry. I'm just saying that I began to say goodbye to Jerry 3 years before he died......my last show was in '92......I could see that train coming from a mile away. So I stepped away on my own terms. I did grieve his passing......it was the end of an era like no other. I'm so grateful to have caught the shows I did.

[BillK522]

The band was a huge part of my life

Losing Jerry was as sad and disorienting

as any event could be.

Without thought flew to SF for the memorial

in Golden Gate Park

Never did send back my front row

Saturday nite tickets for MSG that fall.

Peace and love be with you big man.

Praise DSO for keeping the fire burning.

[helpfrankslip]

I'll probably never forget it,i was picking up my daughter from pre school and her teacher unbeknownst to me was a deadhead,anyways my daughter already was familiar with Jerry and his music so when she got in i was like you alright and she says daddy jerry died and my first thought was of a friend of ours also named jerry so i say it's alright that's where she dropped the bomb and goes but daddy that means no more shows to which i now start to think the unthinkable and reverberating daddy i mean jerry Garcia.fifteen minutes later i was dancing and crying at the same time my favorite jack straw Oakland1987

[Vic81]

18 hours ago, ducats said:

https://archive.org/details/gd95-06-18.aud.2543.sbeok.shnf

 

after seeing this Bertha (thankfully hearing the Wharf-try to listen to it- Rat years later) and leaving the only show I ever walked out on I remember saying to myself while walking to lot that he was dying. Hence when I turned on the radio that morning 6 weeks later and heard 3 dead songs in a row I knew he was dead.  he was one of a kind the likes of which don't come around very often.  once a deadhead always a deadhead. 

I was supposed to be at this show. It was to be my first. I was 14 and  I had just got into the dead about a year or so earlier, one of my older buddies had a tape from a show and I got right into the music. My mom having gone to Woodstock and being fully aware of the Grateful Dead and the scene wasn't ready to let me run off with the "circus" yet hahaha.  That's how Weir stated it in his documentary. He said when he finally brought home a gold record, his parents were a lot happier seeing it, since he had run off with the circus. Anyways, Me already being a handful of trouble and mischievous, mom didn't let me go to the show and I missed my only opportunity. I just though hey there will be more no big deal. I Remeber very clearly The older kids that went that I was supposed to go with told me the party was great as always, music was ok but Jerry was in bad shape. I didn't grasp all of that fully being so young.

I would have just like to have been to this one.  Even if it was on his last leg of health. But it was not meant to be for me. 

 

Like others have stated I didn't get the enormity of his passing until later. Rock stars died, its so shitty to say but they do. Rock hard, Party hard, live hard, die young. It continues to happen. When I really really got into the music, I felt more and more of what had happened and who had left us. I don't think this show sounds terrible, def not my one of my favorites but it's more of the end of the road for a battle weary soldier. I can't believe how old and tired he looks by this stage in life. He was so young.

The reincarnation of the GD through the band dark star orchestra makes me very happy, just like everyone here.The way people speak of this band and the quality they put out for us is amazing. Love hearing people I know who have seen the dead say to me at DSO shows, hey you might have missed Jerry. But This is the best thing since. And I read it here all the time. 

 

Theres alotta  outpouring of love and kind words on this thread. Thanks for sharing everyone. And thanks for everything Jerry.

[John A]

19 hours ago, ducats said:

https://archive.org/details/gd95-06-18.aud.2543.sbeok.shnf

 

after seeing this Bertha (thankfully hearing the Wharf-try to listen to it- Rat years later) and leaving the only show I ever walked out on I remember saying to myself while walking to lot that he was dying. Hence when I turned on the radio that morning 6 weeks later and heard 3 dead songs in a row I knew he was dead.  he was one of a kind the likes of which don't come around very often.  once a deadhead always a deadhead. 

Holy shit I listened last night to that Wharf Rat.  The 3-4 minute "intro" if you could call it that embodies everything musically sad and painful about the final stage of Jerry's decline. In a way, it should be required listening every August 9th.  Followed by a moment of silence.  Followed by either 12-11-94 Days Between (greatest version) or 7-9-95 So Many Roads (absolute mind bender) or preferably both.  Now there's a cathartic half hour for you.